On Hand: One personal story written two ways: without voice and with voice. Write the passages on chart paper or project the stories on a screen for easy viewing.
Mini-Lesson: Tell students that you have written the same story in two ways. Read the first narrative, which might be similar to this:
There was mold growing in a container in my refrigerator. It was gross. The food was spoiled, so I threw it out.
Now share the second:
I knew it was in there, somewhere. I had purchased a carton of my favorite banana vanilla yogurt, and if I wasn't mistaken, I still had some left. Yes! I thought as I spotted it in the back. I opened the lid, eager to dive in, and spotted one of my worst enemies: refrigerator mold. Not only was it quicker at gobbling up my favorite foods than I was, but it clung to the sides of each container, refusing to be washed down the sink without a fight. I prepared myself for battle-and to gag.
Ask, "Which of these two passages has more voice?" Even the youngest of students will be able to identify the second. We may not be able to easily define voice, but we all recognize it when we see it.
Now ask, "How did I present more voice in the second passage?" Students will offer a variety of observations, which may include:
· You used more details (The details an author chooses show his or her particular view of the world, and thus reveals voice.)
· The use of "Yes!" (This conveys enthusiasm and energy, both qualities of voice.)
· You said, "spotted one of my worst enemies." (We experience voice when the author presents an idea uniquely.)
· You used more lively verbs: purchased, spotted, dive, gobbling, clung, gag.
· The first one sounded like this: blah, blah, blah . . . The second one was more ooh! ooh! ooh!
Extension: Take a passage (perhaps one from a favorite book) that has lots of voice and, with the students, reduce it to a few lines without voice.
Adapted fromNo More "I'm Done!" Fostering Independent Writers in the Primary Grades by Jennifer Richard Jacobson
Writing Tip
One of the very best ways to prompt your students to revise is to model the revision of your own work. Do not, however, keep showing them clean drafts. You want to show them pages of works that demonstrate your thinking: crossed-out words and sentences, arrows, carets, notes in the margins. The more regularly you show them your messy drafts, the more apt they will be to revise all on their own.
